Remembering

The angel we made to remember our two little babies

Today is a day of remembering. It is the due date of our second little angel. I actually feel quite positive about today although there is a tinge of sadness mixed with that. This due date is so different to the due date of our first little angel (in August last year). Last time I was in the early stages of pregnancy and faced with uncertainty that the pregnancy was going to continue.

This time around, I am pregnant again but a lot further along. I know the baby I am carrying is healthy and growing well which makes the passing of this date a lot easier. Of course, I always wonder about what might have been but I'm ok with the way things have turned out.

I also feel that in some ways the baby I lost is letting me know that everything will be ok. An interesting 'coincidence' occurred the other day which led me to think this. I hadn't been in touch with my midwife for awhile and when I rang her she told me that she had made an appointment for me but hadn't told me when it was. Then she told me it was the 11th of April - today. So I got to hear this baby's heartbeat today and to talk about about the new life I am growing, instead of focusing on what I don't have right now.

To remember this day and the two babies I lost, Chris and I made an angel. I have hung it our bedroom and like to think that the spirits of my two babies are looking down on me. The beads I used for the angel are swarovski beads so when the light shines through them they make beautiful patterns on the walls. The two big beads on the angel's halo represent the birthstone colours for the months that our babies were due.

The two babies I lost will always have a place in my heart. But I'm happy now to look to the future.

I feel cheated

• Cheated that seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test didn't fill me with joy and happiness as they would for so many other people.

• Cheated that I couldn't tell people that I was pregnant until 13 weeks. And when I did it just felt weird. I couldn't share in the excitement that they had for me.

• Cheated that I spent the first trimester living in fear. Dreading every ache and pain. Just waiting to see blood and expecting the inevitable.

• Cheated that I had to live in denial. Pretend that my body wasn't growing a body so that I wouldn't be hit so hard when I lost the baby.

• Cheated that I haven't been able to feel the connection with this baby as much as I have with my other two. I think this has to do with having to pretend this baby wasn't here for so long.

• Cheated that I didn't get to choose the age gap between my children. Between the ectopic pregnancy and the miscarriage I lost over a year of time.

• Cheated that losing two babies has made me realise that things can go wrong. I was happy living in my world of ignorance.

• Cheated that I need to feel the baby moving almost constantly to feel reassured that it is still ok.

• Cheated that, until this baby is safely in my arms, I will not feel at peace.

I know that I am not alone in my feelings and that many other women out there who have experienced the loss of a baby will understand how I feel. I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and am finding that a lot of these feelings and worries have faded. But they are there. And they will be there until the day this baby is in my arms. I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms.

Hope and Healing

I've been keeping a secret for quite awhile now but it just hasn't felt like the right time to say anything on here. We've slowly been telling everyone over the past few weeks though so I think it is time to 'fess up. I'm pregnant again. Almost 17 weeks in fact. Many of you will have read the story of my ectopic pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage so will understand my apprehensions about sharing this news. Even at this stage of pregnancy I still have my fears and doubts although these are easing a little as I feel the baby moving and kicking.

We found out that I was pregnant at the end of October. I knew that I was pregnant because I'd been having a few symptoms, even before my period was due. I still ended up doing a test though that was positive (what is it about pregnancy tests that make us feel compelled to do them?!) I'd done a lot to prepare for this pregnancy. I'd worked hard to eat well and look after myself, I'd starting dropping the amount of breastfeeds that Esme was having and I'd been regularly going to get acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine (which I continued doing every 2 weeks until I got to 12 weeks). I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly after the miscarriage (I had one period and then I was pregnant) but I figured that my body was ready to conceive again and I had to trust it.

This pregnancy was different to the others I'd lost right from the start. The morning sickness kicked in even before my period was due (which it never did with my other two), as did the extreme tiredness and light-headedness. Even though I felt queasy 24/7 I was always grateful that I felt like this and that it was a sign of a healthy pregnancy. Whenever it disappeared for awhile I used to get a bit panicked (just ask Chris!) We decided that we weren't going to tell anyone until we got to 12 weeks.

Things never go exactly as planned and at about 8 weeks along I woke up in the morning with quite intense pain on my left side - the same side that I'd had the ectopic pregnancy on (funnily enough I lost the last baby at 8 weeks so maybe it was some sort of subconscious reaction to that). I didn't want to risk anything so went straight to emergency. I ended up having to tell Mum and Dad so that they could come with me to the hospital and look after the kids! While I was in hospital they did an ultrasound. Although previously I had decided that we weren't going to have any ultrasounds this pregnancy, it was the best thing to do considering my history and seeing the little heartbeat on the screen was just amazing! Not long after I'd been in emergency the pain had disappeared. I'm not sure that I ever really got an answer for the pain although the Doctor did say that I had a small cyst on my left ovary.

Since that trip to emergency though, things have been moving along nicely. My biggest struggle at the moment is learning to trust my body again and working through these two pregnancies I've lost as this pregnancy has brought up a lot of emotion around them. I am finding it hard to get excited about this pregnancy and feel guilt often about this. This is part of the reason why I have been so slow telling people about this pregnancy too. It feels strange when I tell people and they are happy for me because I don't really feel that way myself. I had my first appointment with my independent midwife, Jan, on the weekend and we had a chat about all of this. She is lovely and helped to reassure me that what I am feeling is normal (Jan was there for Esme's birth and supported me through my journey of losing my two babies so understands where I am coming from). She explained that there is a part of me that feels guilt for being excited about this pregnancy, that I feel I am forgetting about the two babies I lost. She also said that I am trying to forget that I am pregnant, for the same reasons. It's so true. I'm hoping that as this pregnancy progresses I will be able to let this fear go. The due date of our next baby is coming up in early April so I hope that I will be able to do something to both grieve for my lost babies and celebrate the new one that I am nurturing.

We are choosing to have another homebirth this time round - not that there's really any other option for us after Esme's wonderful birth last time! I'm really looking forward to the birth and holding a little baby safely in my arms. I'm also so grateful that I have been blessed with the opportunity to carry another little baby - for that I will always be thankful.

The loss of another baby

I don't know whether I am up to writing this or not.

But I think that writing things down will actually be therapeutic for me at the moment. A way of proclaiming that this baby was here. This baby existed. So here goes...

This morning I had a scan which confirmed that I had lost my baby. It really didn't come as much of a surprise. But more of that in a moment. For now, I want to share the joy we felt at finding out we were pregnant again after the ectopic pregnancy I had earlier this year.

I think it was about the fourth cycle after the ectopic pregnancy that we conceived this little one. We had been trying for a few months but we were anticipating that it might take a while longer since I now only had one tube. I think I knew I was pregnant a couple of days before my period was due. Every other month I'd been getting little signs that my period was coming, but nothing this month. I was feeling slightly light headed and strange the day before it was due, while at work, so decided to do a test when I got home (even though I had told myself I wouldn't do one until the following day!)

POSITIVE. I spent ages in the toilet trying to get the damn test to work. Turned out I didn't put enough wee on it so it took absolutely ages to show up! Chris ended up coming to check on me because I took so long. But those two lines did eventually turn up. I was so excited! I took the test down to show Chris and he was equally as excited. I felt that all would be well with this pregnancy and didn't worry too much about all that had gone on beforehand. We decided that we would keep this news to ourselves until we were quite far along this time as I couldn't bear the thought of telling people we were pregnant and then having to tell them we had lost it again.

6 weeks: I went for an early ultrasound just to check that this pregnancy was in the right place. We couldn't take the risk that this was another ectopic pregnancy seeing as I only have one tube. Good news, it was definately in my uterus! But the sonographer dated my pregnancy at 5 weeks along not 6+2 weeks like my dates. Straight away, this gave me a little niggling feeling. My periods had been so regular and I didn't really see how the dates could be more than a week different. But I guess it is possible. So I tried to put my doubts behind me and focus on the fact that the pregnancy was in the right spot.

The pregnancy continued for a couple more weeks. I was feeling pretty good although initial symptoms such as tiredness, light-headedness and the occasionally sick feeling seemed to wear off a bit. I'd already been questioning why I hadn't felt so sick, as I had with both other pregnancies. But, once again, I passed this off.

I got to about 7+3 weeks and then when I went to the toilet that afternoon, discovered some blood. Not much at all but enough to make my heart sink. I'd said to Chris earlier that as soon as any bleeding started I'd know it was the end. The bleeding increased just a little bit each day until Wednesday when I started bleeding quite heavily. I experienced period pains all day and then Wednesday evening I had quite bad cramps and passed a large clot.

I knew that was it. That my baby had passed. That moment of realisation is the worst moment in the world. This was the moment during my ectopic pregnancy that I knew my baby had gone too. There are no words to explain that feeling. It evokes such strong emotions. Hurt. Sorrow. Disbelief. Shock. Anger. Bitterness.

So the scan this morning didn't bring any surprises. Although there was some small part of me that was still hanging onto a shred of hope. But in my heart I knew. It appears that my body was able to pass this baby on it's own which I guess is one positive about the whole thing. I was terrified that it wouldn't have all passed and that I would have to go to hospital again (you know how much I hate hospitals!!) The sonographer said there was still a tiny amount of blood left and to expect some spotting over the next week or so but that's all.

I have found the second time round to be so much harder than the first time. The first couple of days I just cried and cried. Chris had to take time off from work because I just wasn't capable of looking after the kids. I fear that I am a bad mother because whenever I look at my kids I am reminded of what I have lost and I resent them for that. Yet, everyone tries to tell me that I should be grateful that I have them.

And then there have been the reactions of people. Some people have no idea how to respond. Some people pledge that they care about you but then offer no support other than the initial 'sorry to hear about what happened'. And then there are the unthinking kind of comments. I was at the pool with Esme the other day and the supervisor at the pool asked how old Esme was. I said two and then made a comment about how she was growing up too quickly. So what did the person say to me 'Well, why don't you have another one then?'. That comment made me feel like bursting into tears.

And the future? I am scared to get pregnant again. I am scared that my body will let me down again like it has done twice already. How on earth can I trust it to do it's job? I know, in my heart, that I need to learn to love my body again after this. That I will need to do that to be able to fall pregnant again. But right now I feel like my mind is in conflict with my body. I am feeling exhausted after losing this baby. But I can't allow myself to just stop and rest. Part of that is to do with not wanting to give myself time to think too much. But I think another part is, subconciously, wanting to punish my body for what it has done to me.

For now, I have to focus on each day as it comes. Thinking too much about the future is just too hard right now.

I am so grateful for the support of my wonderful midwife, Jan, along the way. She has always been there to support me and offer guidance. Another reason why I choose to homebirth. I don't imagine getting this kind of support from a hospital or obstetrician! And also to my wonderful family and friends who have been here to support me every step of the way - you know who you are!

The up-side of not being pregnant right now

*We can get our new veggie garden built and plant it out with veggies.

*I can get lots more sewing done and lots more little creations for Esme made.

*I can look at starting up a business selling my creations.

*There's the option of me going back to work next year part time next year on a permanent basis (still have to discuss that with the school though!)

*If I do go back to work, this will mean we will have a little more money to play around with so can 'treat' ourselves a bit more!

*Hopefully this will mean that Esme is sleeping a little better and not breastfeeding so much at night ;)

*I can use the mooncup that I'm intending to purchase ;)

*The kids will be that little bit older by the time the next baby comes along, hopefully a little more independent so that we avoid the struggles we had with Jacob when Esme came along.

*I can enjoy watching my kids grow and learn new things while not feeling sick or tired from being pregnant or having a newborn!

*I can enjoy organising fun activities for my kids and playing with them (see my 'Tactile Tuesday' posts)

*I can enjoy some pampering and time for myself now that the kids are older.

*We can enjoy special family outings and holidays together!

Can you tell I am trying to convince myself?! Actually, I'm quite impressed with that long list so I'm feeling a little better already.

What's been happening

Most of you who read this will be aware that I had a miscarriage in December last year. Or so we thought. It turns out that I actually had an ectopic pregnancy which was only detected last week. I had to have emergency surgery last Friday to remove it. I am feeling very thankful to be sitting here today writing this because I came very close to losing my life. I didn't realise just how close until after I had the surgery.

Fast forward to a week ago, I had bad tummy pains so went to the emergency dept. Had a scan which showed I had a mass in my tummy (they couldn't pinpoint exactly where it was, somewhere near my ovaries and uterus but not attached). They did a urine pregnancy test which came up negative but didn't do a blood HCG (which would have shown up a very low level of HCG had they tested!) The Doctor got me an appt to see a gyn in two days time and sent me home. Had my appt with the gyn on the Tuesday. He wasn't sure what was going on, wasn't even sure if it was a gyn thing but he wanted me to have more blood tests and a specialist ultrasound. So I had my blood test and went in for my scan on Friday at 2.30pm. The doctor doing the scan picked up that it was an ectopic straight away. It looked like it was on my ovaries. He rang my gyn. My gyn had the results of the blood tests which showed that I still had HCG, albeit at a low level. The gyn gave me two options, wait until Monday and have another scan to see if the ectopic was moving down the tube by itself or have a laporoscopy straight away. He thought it was probably better to have a lap as the pain had increased that morning. It was a very difficult decision especially deciding to leave my kids for the night (Esme still breastfeeds a lot during the night so I was worried about her getting distraught) In the end we decided it wasn't worth the risk to my health if the ectopic ruptured so we decided I should have the surgery. By 6pm that night I was in theatre!

It turned out that the ectopic pregnancy was in my tube. It was starting to leak so I'm pretty darn lucky that I went in for the surgery when I did. The gyn also said that it was lucky that it was a very slow growing ectopic pregnancy. He told me he didn't think it was an ectopic in my first appt with him because I didn't seem like I was in enough pain and told me I had a very high pain threshold!! In the end I had to have my tube removed because the ectopic was so big. But the gyn has said that it will only reduce my fertility by about 5-10% and that people who don't have a tube on one side have still been known to get pregnant from the ovary on that side still (apparently the egg travels around to the other side - pretty amazing!) So I'm feeling very grateful to be alive and that I am still able to have more kids.

I guess I learnt a pretty important lesson about following up on things. My GP wanted me to have a specialist ultrasound quite early on, when they weren't able to see anything in my first ultrasound but I refused, thinking that my body was sorting things out itself. But I think I knew that things weren't right. I'd been having tummy pains on and off since the supposed 'miscarriage' but I keep brushing it off as normal.

Anyway, I can't dwell on the 'should have's'. I am alive and for that I am very grateful. Now I need to focus my energy on recovering and healing. I am glad to finally have an answer to everything that has been going on. It has been a very difficult four months and I've had to deal with a huge range of emotions. It's going to take me a while to process it all emotionally and mentally but I will get there.

Letting go...

This week would have marked the 13th week of pregnancy for us. In some ways it feels like a lot of time has passed but in others it feels like it happened only yesterday. I keep thinking about what stage of development the baby would be at. This was meant to be an exciting time. We probably would have been telling people about the pregnancy now and sharing our excitement. Instead I sit here with no baby in my tummy. I feel empty. The hardest thing now is dealing with other people who don't think to ask how you're getting on. It's almost like they think 'oh, the miscarriage was ages ago now she'll be over it by now'. You just don't get 'over' this sort of thing quickly. I want to shout at them: 'This baby was here. This baby was real.' I always want to honour this baby's memory. I guess it's hard for people who haven't had miscarriages to understand and I would have been one of those people just a few months ago. If there's one thing this baby has taught me, it's compassion and empathy.

I guess it's been even harder to let go because I have been bleeding almost continuously since the miscarriage happened. We now believe that this was just one baby I lost, and the bleeding and rising HCG levels were all related to a miscarriage that wasn't totally complete. So that's made it all hard to let go of, I wasn't able to heal physically so I couldn't heal emotionally or mentally either. Anyway, our family holiday recently was the start of my healing journey. It was lovely to spend time with just us and no distractions from all the usual stuff! While Chris was on holidays I took the opportunity to see a cranio sacral osteopath who helped to remove any 'blockages' I had. I also started yoga classes which I will continue to do to help ground me. And I went to see an acupunturist as well who did some cupping and some acupuncture. He told me that this miscarriage hadn't completely carried through and gave me some herbs to take over two weeks. As soon as I started to take the herbs, I started bleeding quite heavily and this continued for the first few days. Now the bleeding has slowed and I feel like I can begin the journey to healing. I strongly believe that the combination of therapies has really helped me let things go.

Today was a challenging day but I think this indicated that I am finally starting to heal. A good friend told me she was 11 weeks pregnant. I was a bit taken aback when she said this but luckily there was a group of us there so I didn't have to react straightaway. I felt so sad when she said that but afterwards I went up to her and told her how happy I was for her. And I meant it. I cried when I said it to her (how sad am I?!) but luckily her and my other friend who were there understood and could just give me a hug! I guess I'm a pretty private person and to acknowledge that grief in front of other people was a huge thing for me. I guess all this is teaching me to trust my friends and to be more open and honest with them too, huh? Anyway, I came home and just cried and cried. But when I stopped I felt ok about everything.

I'm definately not there yet, but I can finally see how one day I will be able to let this go and know that it all happened for a reason...

The journey of our angels

Where to start? The last month or so we've been on an emotional rollercoaster. We're still not sure exactly what's going on but I felt the need to write things down...Here's our story so far:

A couple of weeks before Christmas I was late for my period (or we suspected so, they hadn't been exactly regular in coming) so we did a pregnancy test. The result was instant: positive! We were both very excited although I think I was still in a little shock. We hadn't been actively TTC but hadn't been using any contraceptive since Esme was born so it wasn't totally unexpected ;)

It looked like this baby would be another August baby, like Esme. I thought I knew when I had ovulated so we calculated it from there. The EDD would have been the 15th of August (3 days before Esme's EDD, although she decided not to come until the 27th in the end!) We were so excited about being able to tell our families about this little baby at Christmas time again. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be. Four days before Christmas I started to bleed. It wasn't much to start with, but each day it seemed to increase just a little bit. I'd had bleeding with Esme's and Jacob's pregnancy but it never lasted more than a day or two. This bleeding was different. I think I knew then that this baby wouldn't make it. Combined also with a lack of pregnancy symptoms, morning sickness, sore breasts, tiredness, etc, I didn't hold out much hope. So we decided not to tell our parents at Christmas time and we spent Christmas day and Boxing day wondering what was going on.

The day after Boxing Day, I got hold of the midwife who'd attended Esme's birth. We had a chat about all that was happening and we both agreed that it didn't look good for this baby. I got off the phone to Jan and just cried. I knew it was over. I was passing a lot more blood by now and also some small clots. I felt strangely reassured by talking to Jan though and I think I was able to start grieving. The next morning I got up and lost quite a large clot. I knew that was it and the baby was gone. I felt incredibly sad and just wanted to be alone. I'm so grateful that Chris was on holidays and could take care of the kids so I could just be by myself. I've had so many people say to me to just 'cuddle my kids' to help me feel better. I love my kids dearly but that comment really didn't help me. I just kept looking at them and thinking about what I'd lost. About the baby that I'd never see grow up and do what my kids were doing.

Anyway, the week moved on. I think my immune system must have been affected by the miscarriage because I caught a mild tummy bug and then a few days later I caught a bad cold that dragged on for ages and made me feel miserable. The following Monday I was still having vague pregnancy symptoms so I thought, I'll do another test and it came up positive! I know that the pregnancy hormones can take a while to come down so I was trying to convince myself that that must have been it. But I couldn't help having a glimmer of hope, 'What if? What if this baby is still here?' Up to now I had been reluctant to have any sort of tests done, blood tests or ultrasounds (I just wanted this pregnancy to be as natural as possible) but I thought maybe I should get them done 'just in case'. So off I went to the doctor to get the referrals. I didn't bother with the ultrasound because I was feeling more and more that this baby was gone, but had the blood tests and HCG levels checked. This involved two blood tests, 3 days apart to check if the levels were rising and how quickly. I absolutely hate blood tests with a vengence so this quite a horrible experience for me.

The following week I made it to the doctor for my results. He told me my levels were 1000 and had risen to 2,500 in the time between the tests. He indicated that this was a really positive sign and the fact that there'd been such an increase was great. I nearly fell off the chair, I had so expected to hear bad news. He told me to get the ultrasound done straight away. I walked out of the Doctors feeling on top on the world. This baby was still alive, I hadn't lost it after all. I rang Chris straight away to tell him the good news, he was excited too. I spent Wednesday feeling great. I had managed to book an ultrasound for the following afternoon so was looking forward to it and hopefully finding out some answers for all the bleeding.

The next afternoon I met Chris at the ultrasound place and we all went in to the appointment together. The sonographer ran the scanner over my tummy. I couldn't see the screen and he seemed to be doing it for an awful long time without any comment. I started to wonder...We'd thought we'd be about 9 weeks or so by now so surely he'd see the baby straight away. Eventually he says that he will need to do an internal ultrasound because he couldn't see anything. My heart just dropped. After the sonographer left the room I turned to Chris and said 'this isn't good' I wanted to cry. The sonographer came back and continued on with the internal. Again, he was doing it for ages. He couldn't see anything again. I asked him what that meant. He said it could mean that it is very early in the pregnancy, that I have had a miscarriage or that it is an ectopic pregnancy. I didn't know what to think or what was going on. I just knew that there wasn't any hope for the baby I thought was still there. I cried in the room but had to try and compose myself to go out and pay. I said to Chris that I wish I hadn't had all these tests and scans done. I wish I had just left it to nature and TRUSTED my body.

So where does this leave us now?? Well, we know that I have definately had a miscarriage for sure. This pregnancy should have been at least 9 weeks along by now and there is no 9 week baby in my tummy. I've had to go through all the hurt and pain of losing a baby again. I'd done my grieving for this lost baby after I bled and lost those clots but the Doctor gave me hope that this was the same baby. For that I feel so sad. It is unlikely that this is an ectopic pregnancy given that I have already had all that bleeding and haven't experienced any pain that goes with ectopic pregnancies. The only thing that it can mean is that I have gotten pregnant again since the miscarriage and it is very early pregnancy (hence the big rise in my HCG levels and not being able to see anything in the ultrasound). I have spoken to Jan and she agrees that this is probably the case. She told me to keep a diary of how I feel and she'll visit me in a couple of weeks. And she told me not to go back to the Doctor.

Fast forward two days...

I had another blood test to check my HCG levels (as per doctor's instructions) and went back on Monday to see him to get the results. Levels were 4,700 so still rising. I questioned him about the rate of rise (everything I had read seemed to indicate that HCG levels should double every 30 hours). The doctor seemed to think that the rate of increase was fine but for some reason I walked out of his rooms not feeling confident that this pregnancy was going well. Going to see him hadn't reassured me at all, in fact I just felt worse. The doctor didn't want me to have any more blood tests, just insisted that I have an ultrasound in a couple of weeks. I think if the levels had been about 10,000 I would have felt a lot better! I mentioned that I'd had a little bit of blood tinged CM and he didn't seem to think it was a problem (and I also passed it off as implantation bleeding). The following day I had more bleeding, quite a bit more. I rang the doctor but once again he told me a little bit of bleeding was ok. I think I knew that it wasn't ok but tried to convince myself that there's no way I could be having another miscarriage. Surely that just isn't fair?

Well, it looked like nature had other ideas. Yesterday morning the bleeding all started in a rush but I am certain that I have now lost this second baby as I am passing clots again...I would have been 4 weeks along yesterday. My heart is breaking and I don't know how I am going to get through this. How can it be fair that the universe does this to me??

And now the decisions...I don't think I can go through this again next month. The worry, the heartache, the lost dreams...I think we are going to give TTC a rest for a little while (even though we weren't actively trying). I need time now to heal myself physically, emotionally and mentally. I've decided that the next time we think I might be pregnant that I am not going to be getting any tests done. I need to learn to trust in my body again. I think the tests we've done with these two little babies have caused us more pain and heartache than not having tests done. I probably wouldn't have even known I was pregnant a second time if I'd hadn't had these tests done....

Good bye to our two little angels., you won't be forgotten!