Jacob is seven!

Every year, without fail, I marvel at how quickly a year goes by.  Maybe it's just because Jacob is the eldest that each time he has a birthday he seems to be getting so much older.  We are learning with him and he's taken us on an amazing journey as parents!

It's been such a huge year for him.  Starting with his Autism diagnosis in June last year.  Since then we've started him on a GF/CF diet, biomed treatments and speech therapy.  He's been doing so well on these treatments and we've seen some huge progress.  He also started at a different campus for primary school with a new teacher and that has done wonders for him.  He really is at the perfect school.

He constantly delights us, frustrates us and makes us laugh.  The way he looks at life is unique and always amazes us (and reminds us to pay more attention to the smaller things in life).  Socially he has changed a lot this past year.  He loves to talk to and play with all his school friends. 

Jacob with the cupcakes he decorated on his actual birthday

Opening presents - his new block crayons were the most exciting present I think.  He loves to draw and create. 

Jungle cake for the party with school friends - you may recognise it as the same cake from Esme's birthday a couple of years ago ;) 

Happy Birthday to our beautiful boy - thanks for letting us share this amazing whirlwind of a journey with you!

When your child doesn't understand emotions

I felt compelled to write this post after the turn of events that happened in our household last Friday.  While most people have been incredibly supportive and generous in their offers to help in the aftermath, there have been others who just can't understand that 'punishing' Jacob for what he did will not work.  Sure we can, and do, model the correct behaviour and talk to him about how he can respond more appropriately to his emotions next time but the thing about people who have Autism is that they often do not understand emotions or else they display what society would call 'inappropriate' emotion when faced with a challenging situation.

Perhaps I should rewind a bit and explain what actually happened!  Last Friday was a curriculum day and I'd planned to do something special.  We were going to visit Daddy at work.  Jacob was doing his usual thing of completely ignoring me when I reminded him a million times to get ready.  Cue: screaming when the rest of us walked out the door when he wasn't ready.  He got himself dressed eventually and came out to the car but then wouldn't get in the car.  I started the car like I usually do to show him that I was serious about going and then jumped out to coerce him into his car seat.  Unfortunately this time, I had put the car in reverse and left the hand brake off (so flustered was I about Jacob!) so the car started rolling backwards.  I realised straight away but by then the car door, which was open, had hit the pole under the carport and I could hear the screech of the hinges being pulled apart.  I managed to get back in the car and put the hand brake on but by then the door was wrecked and couldn't be shut.

Needless to say, I was so angry at Jacob.  Yeah, I know.  It wasn't entirely his fault but all his mucking around had caused me to not be able to concentrate properly.  And so silly things happened.  I tried to shut the door but couldn't.  Meanwhile Esme is crying because she's upset about what's happened and Jacob is sitting there smiling and saying, 'The door can be fixed.  It really can be fixed'.  It.is.so.hard to stand there and keep your cool with your child when they are smiling and not remorseful at all about their actions.  And I'm sorry to say, I did not keep my cool.  There was a lot of shouting involved.  I got told by Jacob that 'we can still go Mummy.  We can go on the train instead'.  It wasn't until Jacob realised that, as a consequence of what had happened we would NOT be going to Daddy's work that the meltdown happened.  Jacob's meltdowns are full on.  Tears. Screaming. Hitting.  Kicking.  Pinching.  The best thing to do with him when having a meltdown is make sure he is in a safe place away from others as he is likely to really hurt someone and then ignore him until he calms down.  I thought he was in a safe place this time.  But then I heard a crash and turn around to see that he has put his foot through a glass window (luckily I guess that he was still wearing his gumboot). 

I couldn't believe it.  Not only has the car door been wrecked.  Now the window too.  I didn't even have any words to express my anger at this!  And yet again.  No reaction from Jacob.  There was no guilty shock from him that you would expect from other kids.  No 'I'm so sorry I did this'.  Just nothing.  I think he may have even said he did it because I wasn't taking him to see Daddy.  And his resentment at not being able to see Daddy at work continued despite him having broken the window.

I think Jacob did calm down about half an hour after this happened.  Then he was completely back to normal and happy again like what normally happens after a huge meltdown.  Luckily the car door was fixed the following Monday.  It only took a couple of hours and was a lot cheaper than what we'd thought it would be.  The glass, however, cost us $360 to be replaced.  Kind of an expensive day.

Both Chris and I were really angry at Jacob.  We talked about things we could do to make him realise the consequences of his actions.  Taking money out of his moneybox to pay for some of the window.  Restricting some of his activities.  That type of thing.  But after a lot of discussion after the event (when we were both much calmer!) we realised that was just pointless.  He wouldn't understand why he was being punished.  He was angry.  So he responded in the only way he knew how.  By showing that in a physical way.  What we need to do is teach him alternative way of coping with an emotional overload.  It's not a quick fix solution but something that we will work towards together. 

I really think that the hardest thing about raising a child with autism is the emotional side.  It's so hard not to feel frustrated that your child is not responding in a socially appropriate way to particular emotions.  It's hard not to feel frustrated that your child doesn't feel remorse for doing something wrong.  It's hard not to hear your child say 'sorry' for something they've done.  Often just the simple act of 'I'm sorry Mummy' or seeing your child realise that they've done something wrong can make you feel less angry with them.  But we don't get that with Jacob.  We just need to understand that he is wired differently to others. And that's ok too.  I hope this post has helped those people in our life understand him a little better. 

Busy

It appears I have been a little slack on my blog lately! It hasn't been intentional.  Life seems to be so busy at the moment.  I always knew that this year would be pretty crazy with two children at two different campuses of school but I didn't realise exactly how crazy it would be!  Last term was all about getting the kids settled into new rhythms.  We had lots of half days and early pick ups as they settled in to their new rhythms.  I am hoping that this term is going to be a lot more settled - no more half days and I have organised for a friend to pick Esme up from Kinder on certain days of the week (doing a 2pm then 3pm pickup was doing my head in!)  Fingers crossed anyway! 

We've all been healthy and happy though.  Jacob has been going really well at the moment.  He's still gluten-free and dairy-free with us monitoring his sugar intake very closely (we choose to use natural sweeteners instead of refined sugar in things we cook for him).  It's been a slow process to find recipes that he is happy with.  While he can be quite fussy, we seem to have developed a repertoire of things that he likes to eat now.  We have a gluten-free, dairy free bread that he likes now and he is happy with cashew milk as an alternative to milk (we are going through cashews like crazy at the moment as we use them in a lot of other things as well!)  It's still a fair bit of work to prepare and plan his food ahead of time but the benefits seem completely worth it.  We haven't even attempted to eat out though as I imagine that will be very hard! 

We've just been back to his biomedical practictioner and are on a slightly different regime.  He's now on a different kind of probiotic as well as his regular SB and gut relief.  We've also added a calcium supplement as well.  We are going to start trialling him on tiny amounts of A2 yoghurt soon.  We have tried in the past, but after discussion with his naturopath we decided that we were giving him too much at once.  So this time around, it's teeny tiny amounts and monitor his reaction. 

He's been seeing the Speech Therapist weekly and we are just about to start seeing an OT to help with some of his sensory overload issues.  He also started doing Eurethmy at the end of last term with his old Kinder teacher.  He still talks about himself in the third person, so we are hoping that both the Speech Therapy and Eurethmy will help bring that awareness into himself. 

Esme is loving Kinder at the moment.  She is in a lovely group and it's great to see them all play together so well (it is a big group of mainly girls in her Kinder this year!)  She has made some very special friendships in the group, ones that will continue throughout her school years.  It's so interesting seeing her socialise and play with the other children as we never really saw that with Jacob. 

Gideon is growing up so quickly.  In just over 2 months he will be two!  I'm not quite sure where that time went.  He is still my 'baby' but is quickly becoming his own little person as well.  He got his first pair of shoes on the weekend.  Up until now he's only been in soft leather soled shoes.  He completely refused to put his foot down or walk in his new shoes in the shop.  I just found it so funny - I think he's going to be my little bare-footed hippy forever! 

I think that's all our news caught up for now!  Hopefully I will be able to do some more regular posts this term although the beauty of having my own blog is that I can just do it whenever inspiration hits!

Settling in to a new School year

Last Thursday Jacob started Class One at our local Steiner School.  It's been a bit of a change for him this year as up until now he's been at the early childhood campus of the school (which includes playgroup, Kinder and Prep).  This year he started at a new campus.  The Class 1-6 campus is just beautiful.  The classrooms are purpose built and wonderfully light and airy, and the grounds are great for playing in.  Jacob loves playing in the the trickle stream that runs outside their classroom.  And the school is in a semi-rural area, right next to the local reservoir.  

We are absolutely blessed to have such a wonderful teacher.  She will be Jacob's teacher for the next 6 years as well, in keeping with Steiner philosophies.  And she's actually the parent of a child that Esme goes to Kinder with so we already knew her.  The kids in the class have already had the opportunity to meet her too.  At the end of last year they had a special 'handing over' ceremony from Prep to Class 1 and they got to meet their new teacher and see their new classroom.  And their teacher also came for a home visit a couple of weeks before school went back.  That has really helped Jacob feel comfortable with the whole transition process. 

The new Class 1 kids had a very special welcome to the school on their first day back.  They lined up outside their classroom opposite the Class 2 kids who sang and then presented each student with a rose to put in their new classroom.  They were then called in to the classroom by their new teacher. 

My heart is completely at peace, knowing that Jacob is in such a nurturing and supportive environment that will help him grow and reach his potential despite his differences.   

Sometimes I get a little sad

Most of the time it doesn't bother me that Jacob has Autism and is different from other kids.  He's a little boy who has a big heart and loves life.  His joy and excitement over the littlest things in life is contagious to all who come in contact with him.

But then there are times that I watch him and see the other side.  Out in the playground at lunchtime or after school when the other kids are running around playing and interacting, he is lost.  He doesn't know how to 'play' with other kids.  He is perfectly happy to interact with other kids when there are only a couple, or in a structured setting but out in the playground it's too hard for him.  He stays by my side and clings onto me.  It's not shyness, he just doesn't understand how to 'play'. 

Last year I walked past his school at lunchtime a few times and Jacob was sitting down the bottom with the teacher and teacher aide, drawing, while the other kids ran around playing.  I think the noise and energy of the boys in his class overwhelm him most of the time.  I guess it can be tricky to play when you can't understand all the social 'rules' and expectations.  When he does play with other kids outside, he is more inclined to play with the girls who are quieter and more understanding of his gentle nature.

While I know that being like this doesn't bother Jacob and that he is perfectly happy in his own little world, I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness.  I feel like he gets left out of so many things, particularly friendship groups.  I'm glad we've chosen a Steiner School for him.  There's a wonderful atmosphere of 'togetherness' and acceptance of each other that has been fostered in the kids.  The kids understand Jacob's eccentricities and like to point out any steam train things to Jacob because they know that's what he likes.   But that doesn't really help when they are out in the playground and Jacob doesn't want to join in.  It's hard to include someone when they don't want to be included. 

I often look to the future and wonder what it holds for Jacob.  Will he make friends?  Will he find someone to love?  Will someone love him and understand him? Will he be lonely?  I know lots of others parents have these fears for their kids too but Jacob's autism makes things so much more uncertain. As long as Jacob is happy, I know I should be too. But it's hard to think like this when your heart is telling you something differently.

I just hope he knows that the love of his family is always unconditional.  

Week 41 of Craft Project a week: Hat for my (big) boy

With the weather starting to warm up it was time to make Jacob a new hat.  He's growing so quickly - the hat I made for him last year is already too small for him.  I love this hat pattern and have used it many, many times.  It makes a very cool reversible bucket hat.  Jacob chose to have the trains (of course!) and I put it with some brown cordoruy that I already had. I'm not very happy with how the cordoruy side of it turned out though.  The material is slighly puckered in a couple of spots but as Chris points out, no one would notice expect for me!

The train side of the hat

The cord side of the hat

I think I might make Gideon one of these with cars material and denim next...

Week 40 of Craft Project a Week: Digger shorts

This week I've been using up some scraps to make Jacob a pair of shorts.  I had a little bit of leftover cord and digger material from the orange digger pants I made the other week.  It wasn't enough for a pair of pants for Jacob but just enough to make some shorts.  And so I did! 

The back of the pants with pockets

The front of the pants

 Jacob was pretty chuffed with the shorts.  Pity he's not so keen on getting his photo taken in the things I sew for him anymore!! 

My Perfectly Imperfect Boy

It's been a bit of a journey to get here but last week we finally got a diagnosis for Jacob.  Autism Spectrum Disorder.  And a mild intellectual disability (although we are more than a little dubious with that diagnosis given that Jacob didn't really have a good rapport with the psychologist and refused to cooperate with most of the things she did with him!)  And so the next stage begins...

It hasn't really come as much of a surprise to either Chris or I that Jacob has Autism.  He has always displayed traits that are typical of kids with Autism.  Things like being fearful of noisy, dark places (we took him to Scienceworks a couple of months ago and he did not cope very well in that environment!), liking things to be in a certain order and routines to be the same, preferring to play on his own and difficulties with social interactions, his obsessions with trains, his repetitive hand movements, his meltdowns over seemingly unimportant things (obviously important in his mind!), bowel problems and speech issues (he still calls himself 'Jacob' or 'he')

Looking back, I can see there were pointers to the Autism fairly early on.  He was always slightly behind peers in achieving his milestones (things like crawling, walking, etc).  He was not an overly 'affectionate' baby either and would not spontaneously give cuddles or kisses.  At the time, I thought this was just normal (it's hard to know with your first what is normal or not normal!) but since having Esme and Gideon who are very affectionate I know this it isn't and that Jacob was 'different'. 

I guess in my heart I knew there was something different with Jacob but in those early years I was happy to look past that and just believe that he was just a little slower to develop than his peers.  His eccentricities were the things we loved about him - things like being fascinated by and getting such excitement by the littlest things - a bug crawling along the ground or the wind blowing the leaves in the tree.  He loved going to Kinder and developed a really good relationship with his Kinder teacher.  She just seemed to 'get' him. 

Towards the end of his time at Kinder, I would watch Jacob with the other kids at Kinder and realise that he wasn't 'normal'.  While the other kids at Kinder had developed relationships with each other and would play together Jacob would prefer to play by himself and would not willingly interact with others (although he didn't seem bothered if someone came and played alongside him). 

He made the transition to school really well (helped by the school being in the same place and most of the same kids from Kinder going as well) and thrived on the 'rhythms' of the school day (he goes to a Steiner school so it is quite structured).  He's even made a special friend at school.  I talked to his teacher at the beginning of the year about my 'concerns' about Jacob and asked her to watch him and see what she thought.  By the end of the first term she said to me that she thought there were some issues.  She wanted us to get him assessed before he went into Class one (when the academic learning begins at Steiner - up to that point all the learning has been through play).

This was the lowest point for me emotionally.  Suddenly all my fears about Jacob were 'real'.  I guess I had been secretly hoping that I'd be told that I was just imagining things, that Jacob was perfectly 'normal'.  I didn't want to get Jacob assessed.  I didn't want him to be labelled in a certain way.  Jacob was just Jacob and we didn't need a label to tell us otherwise!  After lots of discussion with the teacher and friends who have children with disabilities I came to the realisation that labels are not necessarily a bad thing and that that can be useful in helping others to understand the child (and for getting funding to help them achieve things). 

And so we began the assessments.  Two paediatrician appointments, one psychologist appointment and four speech therapist appointments later we finally got our diagnosis.  Everyone seemed to agree with the diagnosis which I guess made the whole process smoother.

Now comes the hard part of deciding how we go about helping Jacob.  We have decided to go down the biomedical pathway for now (you can read more about this at the MINDD website).  This will involve a lot of changes to our lifestyle.  I'm feeling a little apprehensive about it all but excited to see what changes it will bring to Jacob (I've heard a lot of positive things from others who have gone down this pathway).  We will also continue with Speech Therapy for him.  He is doing really well with this and likes the Speech Therapist he sees. 

The hardest bit about all this assessments was being told that the things we loved about Jacob and the things that made him special were suddenly the very things that made him 'autistic'.  But Jacob has a very unique way of looking at the world and we're getting back to loving the way he looks at things.  It's beautiful to have someone who constantly teaches us to be amazed at the little things in life.  The other day when we were in the car travelling to school and the sun was flickering between the trees as we drove.  Jacob was in fits of laughter and told us that the 'sun was blinking at him'.  It's those types of things that make him so special. I think everyone who meets him senses this specialness about him too.

Sure, we have good times and bad times.  Days when it seems to be one meltdown after the other. Times when we perhaps cannot go to places we want to because Jacob is too fearful.  But we get there.  And we're learning to live life with our perfectly imperfect boy.   

Week 22 of Craft project a week: the completed house!

Jacob's felt playhouse is finally finished!  I actually finished with time to spare for the first time ever I think.  It was really nice not to have to be up till some ridiculous hour in the morning (which is when I do a lot of my sewing ;)) Anyway, he absolutely loved the playhouse and was so excited opening it on his birthday (makes it all worthwhile when you see your kids get so excited about something you make!)  Here's a few photos of it in action...

The back view of the completed playhouse

 The handmade letters for the letterbox - they take a night to make by themselves! 

 Jacob posting letters in the letterbox

 

Peeking through the windows

 

Picking fruit from the fruit tree!

 Now I just need to get onto sewing the next present - it's Gideon's first birthday in less than two weeks time!!   

Jacob turns six!

 

How can it be that my boy is six already?  I can still remember the day we brought this little baby home from the hospital and sat on the couch with him wondering, 'what now?'  Jacob has taught us so much about life and about ourselves.  He is the most amazing little boy.  His passion and excitement over the smallest things has really taught us to appreciate the little things in life.  

He has grown so much over the past year and particularly since starting school.  He is absolutely thriving at school and we are so glad we have chosen to send him through Steiner.  The past couple of months has seen him make amazing progress socially.  He is now interacting with other kids at school instead of playing alone.  He told us the other day that 'J and A are my friends'.  According to his teacher and other kids, A is his girlfriend.  I suspect it's because she has a bit of a mothering personality and Jacob needs that especially considering he lives in his own little world a lot of the time and has a tendency to forget to do things! 

His birthday was particularly special this year as the day before the big day he lost his first tooth!  So on birthday morning he woke up to his birthday and the tooth fairy having visited.  Although exciting, it was also a bit overwhelming for him having so much happen at once!  

We celebrated his birthday with a cake at school and a family dinner on his birthday night.  Then on the weekend we had a birthday party for his friends.  The birthday party went great, and all his friends liked making and decorating wooden cars to take home (got the kits from the Knox Woodworkers Association - they were awesome!)  Here's some photos from his birthday...

The car garage that Chris made - Jacob chose this cake about 3 months before his actual birthday!

Cutting the cake at his party/

Hard at work painting his truck.

The finished truck (he later went back and painted the wheels black ;))

Happy Birthday, big boy! 

Week 6 of Craft project a week: Pants for the boys

It's been quite a busy week here with Jacob's first week of school and me being back at work one day a week (I neve realised how much I actually do in a day at home!) so not a lot of crafting happening this week. I did manage to get some pants made for my boys though. Jacob has been asking me to make him some 'digger' pants for ages now so I finally got around to it this week. I also made a matching pair for Gideon which Jacob thought was great! Now to just get on with making a dump truck appliqued top which I have also promised Jacob!!

Jacob was pretty happy with his new pants!

Back view of Jacob's new pants

First day of school

Today my not-so-little boy had his first day of school. He headed off this morning with his bag on his back and a big smile on his face. It seems only yesterday that my baby boy was born. These past five years have flown by so quickly. I'm so proud of the boy he has become.

Both Chris and I were there to see him off on his first day of school. He left our side quickly and easily and was soon involved in drawing with the other kids (I don't think he even noticed we had gone!) The transition to school has been made a lot easier by having most of the same kids from Kinder in class and also having a similar 'routine' as to what he had in Kinder.

Seeing him fit so seamlessly into his new school has made me feel even more certain about our decision to send Jacob through Steiner education. This model of education suits his personality perfectly.

Jacob's bag on his hook with his name on it

Jacob quickly got involved with drawing and didn't even notice us going!

Brothers

It's so beautiful watching the relationship develop between Jacob and Gideon. Jacob is the most doting big brother. He will happily sit and play with Gideon for ages or share his 'special' toys with him. If he's crying he'll go to him and comfort him. Gideon absolutely adores Jacob too. He watches Jacob intently when he's around and any attention from him is met with huge smiles! It's so special to see. And I think seeing this makes us realise why we wanted our children to have siblings - so they can share that 'special' relationship. Chris managed to capture this video of Jacob and Gideon after their baths the other day - I think you can plainly see the mutual admiration!

The funny things they say

Now that the kids are older they are often having conversations between themselves. So often they make me laugh with the things they say. I couldn't resist sharing this conversation they had in the car the other day.

Jacob: When I grow up I'm going to be a Daddy.
Esme: And Esme is going to be a Mummy. Esme might have a baby in her tummy.
Jacob: Yeah, you can have a baby in your tummy.
Esme: Esme might have Gideon her tummy.
Jacob: (laughing) No, you can't have Gideon in your tummy.
Esme: Ohh.
Jacob: Gideon was in Mummy's tummy. Gideon came out between Mummy's legs.

I love this age!

Five

Jacob turned 5 at the end of May (I'm still trying to get my head around my little boy being 5!) We celebrated with a special dinner chosen by Jacob on the night. He chose chicken stuffed with sun dried tomatoes and wrapped in prosciutto - what a connoisseur!

Then on the Sunday we made a trip to Diamond Creek Railway to share lunch with friends and take a ride on the miniature railway. Jacob is truly obsessed by trains and was so thrilled to go on the railway! It was such a beautiful day to be out and about.

Here's a couple of photos from his celebrations...

Opening presents on the day of his birthday

Birthday cake on his actual birthday

A special birthday lunch with friends at the Diamond Creek Railway

The train cake that Chris made

The train we went on!

Soooo excited to be riding the train!

Lots of things to see!

And a steam train (which we unfortunately didn't get to go on ;))

Happy Birthday to my beautiful boy - I love you more and more each day!

Schooling decisions

How do you know if you're making the right choice for your child? This is the point we are at with our decision making process at the moment. Jacob is in his final year at Steiner Kinder this year and so we are having to decide where to send him to school next year. Or, indeed, *if* we decide to send him to school.

I love the thought of homeschooling. I know that I am capable of it and I know that Jacob would really flourish with homeschooling. He has that insatiable thirst for knowledge that would make teaching him very easy. BUT I worry that I won't be able to give Jacob as much attention as he deserves by homeschooling him. Esme is a child that needs a lot of attention (I hate to use the word 'demanding') and with another baby on the way I think Jacob's learning will be neglected while I look after the other kids. Part time home-schooling is still an option on the cards I guess but will require some more thought on my part!

We have been very happy with the Steiner Kinder and are very comfortable with the philosophies and beliefs behind Steiner. Jacob has changed a lot since he started Kinder and we believe it's the Steiner education that has created this positive change in him. I guess our first choice in a school for Jacob would be Steiner. But that all depends on whether we have the money to send our children through the Steiner school system. It's not that expensive in terms of other private/independant schools but a lot more than what you'd pay in a government school of course!

We are fortunate enough to be living in an area with lots of great government schools as well. But I can't help thinking that if we send Jacob there then we will regret not sending him to a Steiner School. It feels like such a huge decision and something that is going to impact on his life forever. I don't feel ready to make these big decisions yet! But, I guess that's the way it is with parenting. You make these choices and hope like hell that you have made the right ones for your child.

Jacob's weaning story

It appears that Jacob has weaned after 4 years and 8 months of breastfeeding. I'm still not exactly sure when his last feed was as the whole process has been a slow and gradual transition. I'm feeling a little bittersweet about it all. On one hand, I'm happy and proud that we shared this breastfeeding journey for so long and am so grateful that I've been able to give him this gift. It's undoubtedly provided us with an incredible bond and health benefits for both of us. On the other hand, I'm feeling a little sad that this stage of Jacob's life is over and he is growing up so quickly.

Breastfeeding didn't come easily to us. I always knew that I wanted to breastfeed but had no idea how hard it would be. When Jacob was born we had skin-to-skin time but he wasn't interested in attaching. It didn't help that the midwife who was with us tried to 'force' Jacob onto the breast. It was a horrible experience for both of, it made me feel inadequate that I couldn't breastfeed my son and Jacob upset and crying. Jacob was fed by syringe for the first couple of days with the midwives expressing colostrum from me to feed him. Then on about the third day a midwife suggested using a bottle which he took to quickly (in hindsight we were lucky that this didn't lead to nipple confusion - but we didn't know any better at the time) I was so excited when my milk started to come in and I was able to use the electric pump.

On about day 5, Jacob was taken away from us to the special care nursery. They wanted to keep an eye on him because they thought he might be having seizures (I didn't!). He also had an eye infection. This was a horrible time for us. I was already feeling hormonal and emotional from the birth and to have my son taken away from me made it even worse. Jacob was given lots and lots of tests by an overzealous paediatrician. There were blood tests, head ultrasounds and so on. By far the worst though was a lumbar puncture. We were told it was best for us not to be there while they did it. We could hear Jacob screaming from our room as the needle went in. All Chris and I could do was sit there and cry as we heard our baby screaming.

Jacob was given ABM because I didn't have enough milk for him. I wish I'd known at the time that I could have refused permission for them to do this. I hated the thought of him getting ABM rather than my breastmilk. After advising staff in the nursery that I wished to try feeding Jacob from the breast, I went in one night and found that they had already given him a bottle of ABM (not even the EBM which I had in the fridge!) I was upset, angry and so sad that once again I had failed my duty as a mother.

On my last night in hospital, a lovely midwife and lactation consultant helped me to get Jacob attached using a nipple shield. This was such a moment of joy. It felt good to be able to feed my baby the way nature intended (even if it meant having a piece of plastic in between!) It also meant I didn't have to worry about heating and cleaning bottles - yay! We hired a breast pump from the chemist (wish I'd known about ABA then!) for me to use to keep up my milk supply as we'd been told that nipple shields could affect my supply. Unfortunately, this contributed a lot to my engorgement issues as it turned out I already had a good supply. I was pumping a whole feed out, probably about 3 times a day in addition to what Jacob was taking!

I was very fortunate that the hospital where I had stayed had a lactation clinic. I attended the clinic a few times in our journey to breastfeed without nipple shields. The first lactation consultant I saw was good but she implied that I needed to get Jacob off the nipple shields as soon as possible (or maybe that's just the message I took away because I was so desperate to be free of them!) Trying to get Jacob off the nipple shields lead to lots of anger, tears and pain on my part which I'm sure Chris will attest to. I ended up with badly cracked nipples and feeds were just so painful that I dreaded them. This wasn't how breastfeeding was meant to be.

Luckily, the second lactation consultant I saw was wonderful. She encouraged me to relax about getting Jacob off the nipple shields, that there was no rush. It turned out that I had a bout of mastitis the day that I went to see her. I'd thought that it might have been mastitis but wasn't sure because I didn't know exactly what it was. She was wonderful in helping me to massage the lump out and encouraging me to rest. After all her help I didn't even need to take antibiotics which I was glad about.

I think it was about 3 weeks that we finally stopped using the nipple shields. I still felt awkward about feeding Jacob in public though and would avoid it whenever possible. It was really difficult to get him attached. He would fuss and pull away and I'd end up with milk everywhere. I'd watch other Mum's with babies the same age breastfeeding and they seemed to do it with such ease. We ended up taking Jacob to see a paediatric chiropractor and it turned out that he did have a few issues that were most likely to do with his birth (he'd come out quite quickly in the end). Jacob seemed a little better after our chiropractor visits but breastfeeding was never completely pain free.

When Jacob was about 6 months old, I developed another badly cracked nipple. It didn't seem to want to heal no matter what I did and was still there after weeks and weeks. I remember one night, Jacob slept a bit longer than usual and I was starting to get blocked ducts so I got up to express. All I could express into the bottle was drops of blood. It was so painful. By this stage, I'd discovered my local ABA group which was a god-send. I called my group leader to talk to her about what was going on. While she couldn't really offer any advice, she listened and that made a huge difference. I ended up going to the doctor to make sure the crack in my nipple was some other sort of infection. Turns out it wasn't (or I assume it wasn't seeing the doctor didn't even want to take a swab - he brushed me off pretty quickly!) and not long after it did end up healing.

At about 7 months breastfeeding just seemed to fall in place. All of a sudden it wasn't painful. This was what I had always imagined breastfeeding to be like! I'm not quite sure what was going on in those early days. Although, when I was pregnant with Esme and on a visit to my midwife she happened to see in Jacob's month and said to me 'he's got a tongue tie - did you have trouble breastfeeding?' Suddenly everything made sense. You can still notice it a bit when you look in his mouth now, at 4.5 years old, but it doesn't affect him in any way. Obviously, at 7 months old his mouth had grown enough for it not to be a problem which is why breastfeeding was no longer painful.

Although the breastfeeding was now going well, I wasn't coping with being a Mum. I felt lonely and isolated. I loved my son but would feel intense anger with him at times when I couldn't get him to sleep or he was crying. I was also frequently in tears. Jacob was quite a high needs baby. He didn't sleep much and just wanted to be held by us all the time. We got to the point of him waking every 45 minutes at night and I just couldn't do it anymore so off we went to sleep school. Sleep school was pretty horrendous and I wouldn't ever do it again but I do credit it for being a turning point in my life. I spoke to a psychologist who suggested that I might have post natal depression. I started on medication not long after. This, and finally having some coping strategies helped me turn things around.

I honestly believe that it was breastfeeding that helped me to bond with my son in those first few months and I think my post natal depression would have gotten a lot worse, a lot quicker, had I not been breastfeeding. When I felt those surges of anger at Jacob when he wasn't sleeping all I would need to do was sit down and breastfeed him and those feelings would disappear as my let down happened and my body was flooded with oxytocin. I was very set into routines with Jacob as this helped me to cope and I found that feeding him frequently, ast certain times in my routine helped a lot (how much that has changed now lol!)

We went through a week or so of breast refusal when Jacob was about 11 months old. He would still have his morning feed but refused all other feeds. Luckily, with the advice from my ABA group leader (again!) and by staying calm and relaxed about it all it didn't take long for Jacob to start feeding again.

As Jacob got older and started to feed a bit less our breastfeeds became our special time together. We would have a feed in bed in the morning, then usually after his day sleep and at bedtime to feed him off to sleep (ahhh, so easy!) I got pregnant with Esme when Jacob was about 18 months and he quickly dropped his middle of the day feed as my supply dropped. Although my nipples were quite sore during the pregnancy we managed to keep up these two feeds throughout. Well, mostly. Jacob went through some times of fussiness during the pregnancy which I assumed were because of the changing taste of the milk and we ended up only feeding on one side but we kept going nonetheless!

We then went on to tandem feed when Esme was born. I loved that I could still have that special time with my son even when things were so busy looking after a newborn. Jacob ended up dropping his morning feed not long after Esme was born (mainly because I wasn't really 'available' to him in the mornings!) but we kept up the bed time feeds. It was lovely still being able to feed my little boy off to sleep even though he was a little bit older.
He did ask for a few more feeds after Esme was born and sometimes I would let him but was happy to just keep him to a few. We had a few simultaneous feeds and it was lovely to see both the kids feeding at the same time although I didn't always feel that comfortable feeding them together.

I really thought Jacob would continue feeding for ages, he gave no sign that he was ready to drop that bed time feed. And I was happy to keep giving it to him. Around the time that I got pregnant we started to give him the choice of milk in a cup or milk from me (there's a few reasons for this which I won't go into here). Sometimes he would choose milk from a cup but for the most part he still wanted a feed from me. I had started to get really sore nipples from the pregnancy (worse than last time!) and Jacob's attachment started to feel 'wrong' as well so it was almost a relief when he would choose milk from a cup. There was no pressure for him to stop feeding though.

As my pregnancy progressed though, and my milk supply started dropping, Jacob started wanting milk in a cup most nights. He would say he wanted milk from me but then change his mind and say there was 'no milk'. He would go a few nights and then have a feed and then a bit longer until I realised that it had been a couple of weeks since he'd had a feed. So, although it has been a little sad for me, it has been a gradual transition and part of the rhythm of life I feel.

I am so grateful that we were able to share our breastfeeding journey for so long together.

I may have made a mistake in telling Jacob that there will be lots of milk when the baby comes however. He has already told me that he is going to have milk again then. We'll just have to wait and see what happens ;)

Here's some photos from our breastfeeding journey. I really wish we had more photos from when Jacob was younger but sadly we don't.

First breastfeeding photo - Jacob was about 4 months here.

The best thing about breastfeeding - it's portable! Jacob feeding on a picnic at 6 months old.

Jacob wearing his Mummy milk t-shirt
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A sleepy feed at about 17 months

Breastfeeding at 40 weeks pregnant. Jacob is 2 years, 3 months. Apologies for the darkness of the photo!

First tandem feed with my two children.!

Tandem feeding my two children in the Fitzroy Gardens. Jacob is 2 years, 9 months and Esme is 6 months.

Another tandem feeding photo! Jacob is 3 years, 3 months and Esme is 12 months. This was such a gorgeous moment. I hadn't fed them together for quite awhile and Esme thought it was hilarious seeing Jacob feed. She kept trying to poke him in the mouth! Jacob continued on regardless...

Our last breastfeeding photo together. Jacob is 3 years, 3 months. I really wish I'd taken another one before he weaned though

Through the eyes of a four year old.

We recently gave Jacob an old camera to use. He loves it and would happily spend all day taking photos of things (if the batteries didn't keep running out!) It's really interesting to look at the photos he takes just to see the world through the eyes of a four year old. Here's a selection of a few he's taken so far (picture quality of the old digital camera leaves a lot to be desired but you get the idea ;))










I'm thinking of doing a little photo scavenger hunt for him too. I read about this in a blog recently (if anyone reading this can remember whose blog it was please let me know so I can give credit to them!) I always thought Jacob would be too young for this but I've come up with a modified version. Instead of having a written list of things he needs to take photos of I'm planning on putting some colours on a page and telling him that he needs to take a photo of something that colour. Will be interesting to see how he goes ;)

In the meantime, it's back to being told to 'smile!' Oh the irony!