Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I feel cheated

  • Cheated that seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test didn't fill me with joy and happiness as they would for so many other people.
  • Cheated that I couldn't tell people that I was pregnant until 13 weeks. And when I did it just felt weird. I couldn't share in the excitement that they had for me.
  • Cheated that I spent the first trimester living in fear. Dreading every ache and pain. Just waiting to see blood and expecting the inevitable.
  • Cheated that I had to live in denial. Pretend that my body wasn't growing a body so that I wouldn't be hit so hard when I lost the baby.
  • Cheated that I haven't been able to feel the connection with this baby as much as I have with my other two. I think this has to do with having to pretend this baby wasn't here for so long.
  • Cheated that I didn't get to choose the age gap between my children. Between the ectopic pregnancy and the miscarriage I lost over a year of time.
  • Cheated that losing two babies has made me realise that things can go wrong. I was happy living in my world of ignorance.
  • Cheated that I need to feel the baby moving almost constantly to feel reassured that it is still ok.
  • Cheated that, until this baby is safely in my arms, I will not feel at peace.

I know that I am not alone in my feelings and that many other women out there who have experienced the loss of a baby will understand how I feel. I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and am finding that a lot of these feelings and worries have faded. But they are there. And they will be there until the day this baby is in my arms. I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Great blog. Go you for getting the thoughts out.

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