Sunday, August 15, 2010

A day of mixed emotions

Today is not the easiest day. Although I did think it would be harder than this. I think it has been the lead up to this day that has been the hardest. The sense of anticipation of what this day signifies. Yesterday I was an emotional wreck. I was horrible to Chris and the kids. And I just felt flat the whole day. Today I feel calm.

I guess I should explain why I feel like this for those that don't know. Last year we had what we thought was a miscarriage. It turned out it was actually an ectopic pregnancy but it wasn't picked up until quite a few months later. So the whole process was very long and it was a very difficult time emotionally for me and our family.

Today, the 15th of August, signifies our angel baby's due date.

If you'd asked me a couple of months ago how I would feel on this day I would have said I would feel angry, bitter and resentful of all that I have gone through. A few months ago, I was angry at the universe. I didn't think it was fair that I had to go through this. I would always ask, 'why me?'. I've gone through periods of feeling such bitterness towards other pregnant women and their healthy pregnancies. It used to make me scream inside when women complained about their pregnancies. Why couldn't they understand that I would give anything to have those trivial ailments of pregnancy if I meant I could have a baby growing in my tummy?

I missed that beautiful feeling of growing a baby in my tummy, of feeling the first movements and kicks. Of watching my tummy expand week by week. Each week I used to think of how many weeks pregnant I would be and what I would be experiencing/feeling at that stage of development. Until I just lost count of where I was up to. And then I would feel guilty.

Something has happened in the past month or so which has enabled me to start the healing process. Maybe it's just a shift in my thinking, I don't know. But all of a sudden I'm starting to see what this little baby has brought in to my life, instead of what's been taken away.

For a start, it's made me a more compassionate and empathetic person. I have a greater understanding of loss and what it means. I can now offer support and understanding to others who have gone through similar experiences. It's funny just how little understanding you have of mothers who have experienced loss until you actually go through the same situation. So many people haven't known what to say to me after my loss and think that mentioning it once is enough. What they don't understand is that the grief continues for a while and it helps to keep asking how you are doing. Acknowledging that you were pregnant and you held a baby in your body for a little while and in your heart forever is an important thing.

I have developed some beautiful friendships, with women who have shared the same experiences as me. Their support and love has been invaluable to me.

I have also learnt to appreciate things in life a lot more than I used to. I am grateful for the two beautiful children I have and for the miracles they are, and for having such a wonderful, caring and supportive husband. I know now that I will never take another pregnancy for granted. That I will appreciate and embrace all the wonderful changes to my body that a pregnancy will bring and the beauty of growing a child within me.

8 comments:

Kristie said...

Much love to you Narelle as you process this day, and the journey that never was, but will always be.

I actually read this today and bookmarked it ready for a blog post on my new blog (when it goes live), but I think it is worth sharing with you today.

http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-people-about-grieving-infertility/

This shares grief, motherhood, loss, miscarriage, infertility...

It shares our journey as mothers of angels.

I was due a year ago last month. And while the due date pain has faded, the day of my loss has not.

Much love to you and your family. Am always here to talk

Kristie

Sue said...

Thinking of you both and our babies that should have been born in the same month unfortunetly we bonded over our losses. But it's so good you are moving on to brighter thoughts and will continue to inpire other Mums that it does get better after miscarrige. xxxxx Hugs to you both.

Deb said...

Thinking of you, Narelle. I hope that today was a good day - not happy, but a day for gentle remembrance.

Narelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Narelle said...

Kristie, thank you so much for that link. It sums up how I feel so well! I'm sorry that you have had the journey you have had, sometimes life is so damn hard, isn't it?

Sue, lots and lots of hugs to you too. I wish this could be a time of anticipation and happiness for both of us instead of what it is. Thank you for the amazing friendship you have given me though, it means so much.

Deb, thanks for your kind words

Deb Chitwood @ Living Montessori Now said...

I’m so sorry about your baby, Narella, but happy to hear you’re able to move to a new place in the healing process. I love your words about keeping your baby in your heart forever. Blessings to you and your family.

meeks said...

So glad that you have been able to have support during a really hard ordeal. Sometimes mothers can feel isolated when they have a miscarriage because we probably never fully understand the complex emotions that come with such a loss.

Hugs to you during this difficult time.

Melissa said...

My love and thoughts are with you. It is a crazy time that is truly a different and emotional experience for everyone.

I am with you 100%. There is a part of you that moves, It takes a while but one day perspective changes and there can be calm happy tears on those and following days. I was also very surprised at how many people have been through what we have. They didn't all deal well with my emotion but they were coming from a place of love and for me that was all that matters.

Mine was my first ever pregnancy, after 3 years of trying, fertility drugs, Reki, Acupuncture, Chinese herbs. anything that could.. would... might help.
Our Tiny Dancers were due 20th Sept 2008. MC date 19th Feb 08 at 10 week.
These dates still hold a place in my heart, as does the song (although I still can't listen to it without tears.) I will always remember them and will always thank them for helping my body prepare itself for pregnancy, and for giving me the knowledge that I can get pregnant.

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