Today I would have been 12 weeks pregnant. I was looking forward to this stage of pregnancy so much. It would have meant that we were over the hardest bit of the pregnancy and also the worry about losing the baby would have eased. We would have also have started telling people about the pregnancy and sharing our joy. Sadly this was not to be the case.
Ironically it has also been 4 weeks to the day since I lost this baby as well. So, how do I feel now? I think that initial shock, disbelief and grief that you feel when you lose a baby has started to subside. For the first couple of weeks all I could do was cry. I just wanted to be left alone and I didn't want to have to care for the kids.
Life has, for the most part now, returned to normal. In that I am able to go about my normal activities and am functioning again. Sometimes it feels strange that the world keeps turning even though things have changed so much for me. Sometimes I think it should just stop but I guess if that happened my grief would never end and that's not a good thing.
The difference for me now is that I feel like I am walking around with a piece of my heart missing. These two babies I lost have claimed a part of my heart and they will be with me forever. While I think that getting pregnant again will be a start to the healing process, there will always be a piece of my heart missing. People don't seem to understand that. They think that once you are over that that initial grief then that is the end.
I am struggling with feelings of jealousy and bitterness towards others who are pregnancy or who have newborns at the moment especially as the first baby I lost would have been only about 4 weeks old now. Seeing others with their newborns reminds me that I will never see the two babies I lost grow up. As much as I hate feeling this way it is an involuntary reaction for me at the moment. I am conscious that this will change as time passes.
I still have my moments of tears. It's usually just something across the day that will trigger the memories of what I have been through. But I can see that the passage of time is healing. And that someday I will be able to accept everything that has happened and be at peace. But I'm still getting there.