This week I've really been struggling with my role as a stay-at-home-mum.
For the past few days we've been stuck at home (Steiner school holidays started this week so we haven't had our usual activities.) Admittedly that's been my own doing. I decided I'd like one day at home, then the next day I was planning on taking the kids to the playground but couldn't be bothered, and then the day after that one I went to take them out to the library and the car battery was flat!
Anyway, the kids spent those days whingeing, demanding things from me and fighting with each other. I didn't get a moment's peace. I had even organised some activities for them but these ended up just frustrating them or causing arguments between them.
By the end of those few days I was just about mental, in desperate need of adult company, and some time out (luckily I have a wonderful husband who's happy to just take over the moment he walks in the door!) Not only was I fed up with the demands of being a Mum but I was also bored out of my brain trying to entertain two little kids. Yes, I'm actually admitting it! Sometimes this job is just boring!
It got me to thinking. Is this it? Is this my life for the next, oh, 10-15 years? To be yelled at, shouted at, demanded things of and to be a general punching bag? Sometimes I would just like a little bit of respect and some acknowledgment of all my efforts. Why on Earth did I want kids in the first place and why on Earth do I want a baby so badly?
Of course, I don't really feel like this. This is just how I feel on a bad day when the kids spend the day whingeing, complaining and demanding. We also have days that are absolutely perfect when the kids are happy, loving and enjoying everything. These are the days when I think Motherhood might actually be bliss.
I love that I have such an important role in my children's life. That I can be their source of comfort and their soft place to fall when all is not right. That I am responsible for their nurturing and ensuring that they are happy and healthy. Sometimes it's worth putting up with all this for the rewards you get.
Sometimes I do just want more but I wouldn't change my role as a SAHM for anything despite just how darn hard the job can be sometimes! In the meantime, it's time to start taking care of myself and making myself feel valued. Next year I am hoping to return to work one day a week on a permanent basis (while the children are nurtured under their grandparents care) which will hopefully give me my own 'identity'. I also need to make sure that I have some activities with adult company when it's school holiday because parenting alone is a very isolating experience!